


Decide What It Means

by Tieleen



Category: My So-Called Life
Genre: F/F, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-09
Updated: 2012-06-09
Packaged: 2017-11-07 09:16:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/429372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tieleen/pseuds/Tieleen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the prompt: <em>My So-Called Life, Rayanne/Angela, "I want to rob lumber mills and hospitals with you, and just bewilder the hell out of people. The way love should."</em></p><p> </p><p>Angela Chase outgrows Rayanne, the way Rayanne always sort of knew she would. It doesn't take her long. And sure, Rayanne helps -- she's a little bit aware of it even while she's doing it, how she's helping Angela leave her behind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Decide What It Means

Angela Chase outgrows Rayanne, the way Rayanne always sort of knew she would. It doesn't take her long. And sure, Rayanne helps -- she's a little bit aware of it even while she's doing it, how she's helping Angela leave her behind. 

It's a lot clearer looking back at it, though. It's clear all through high school and out, from the time when Ricky gives her sad looks every day and tries hard to pretend like he's not feeling pressured to choose sides, to the time when he forgets there were ever sides to choose. It's like everyone forgets they were ever friends, somehow.

And it's weird, but somehow Rayanne forgets, too. She doesn't forget they were friends, exactly, but she maybe forgets the reality of Angela Chase and the fact that she's not just something Rayanne lost that still hurts a little, in a dull way. That she's kept on living, growing up, somewhere Rayanne can't see, outside of occasional stories Ricky tells her over the phone. 

Rayanne's out of high school now, she's working and getting her head straight and trying to balance loving her mom with being someone who isn't as much like her as she used to think she'd be. Was afraid she'd be. She's dating and partying and not-partying, still finding out all the time how to get through her life on her own, nothing to hold her up.

She forgets that she's growing up and that somewhere out there, Angela is growing up as well, and that the balance they lost once upon a time was just... once upon a time. She forgets -- she never thinks in the first place -- that they might catch up with each other. 

Angela's hair is bright red again, the first time Rayanne sees her in the real world. It wasn't like that when she'd glimpse her across the hall in school. Rayanne has no idea what it means, but it makes something clench in her stomach, deep inside, something uncomfortable and exhilarating that makes her want to run.

"Wow -- Rayanne?" Angela says. "Um, hi. It's been forever."

Rayanne wants to say, yeah, or, how come you're back in Pittsburgh, or maybe, I missed you all this time and I didn't even realize it. She wants to say nothing about school or being left behind, and she wants to think Angela still knows. Or maybe that she doesn't.

She says, "I like your hair," and Angela smiles, self-conscious, brings up a hand to touch it.

"My mom's devastated," she says. "It's worse than the first time."

(When they kiss three days later, Rayanne wants to say, am I like your hair? Are you going back for whatever fucking reason, are you bored or not feeling pretty enough, do you want to piss off your mom, do you want to be sixteen again? Because I really hated being sixteen, she wants to say, I didn't know it then but I hated it, and Angela, I really like not being that anymore. I don't want to be sixteen again. Not even for you.)

(Instead of any of that she says, "Do you want to do that again?" 

Angela smiles at her, brilliant, and her hair is bright red but it smells all different, and maybe it feels different where it brushes Rayanne's cheek. She lets herself hope, just for a little while. She's always been an optimist.)

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt quote from A Softer World, [here](http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=490). Title (slightly paraphrased) from XKCD, [here](http://xkcd.com/150/): 'Because we're grown-ups now, and it's our turn to decide what that means.' Angela probably never grew up into someone who'd fill her apartment with playpen balls, but this, maybe this.


End file.
